Sign of weakness.

I often think, I am going through something right now. Then I stop and realize that I am always going through something.  It’s just that it feels unique and different every time, and I hold onto this false idea that there is some kind of normal life where I don’t feel like I’m riding the waves of the ocean–where it isn’t one thing after another.  But that isn’t life, I know.  And thank God, because how fing boring would that be?

What I’m saying is that I’m going through something right now.  And it’s hard to explain, because when I express my optimism, it seems like im faking or hiding my emotions which is usually what I do and when I express the sadness, It just makes me pissed off at everything.  It seems like I am a bitch when truthfully I feel like crying, but it just never happens. I experience happiness, sadness, anger together in a way that seems paradoxical.  But, it’s that truth is often found close to where things seem uncomfortable and contradictory.

I do not show my feelings and that hasn’t always made life easy for me.  I’m not sensitive. I hide my sadness. I regret not being able to fully let go and let other people realize the person I am. I know that by trying to protect myself, I missed out on what could have been amazing experiences.  But I am largely at peace about it, because I think I needed that time.  And having taken it, I am becoming this person I’m really happy to be.  Just the other night, I thought, I wish I’d realized years ago how awesome I am and that it is okay to show sadness. I have always thought that being sad was a sign of weakness. To this day, I haven't cried over much and there are only like 2 people besides my family who have ever seen me cry.

I don't really know what I was trying to accomplish by this post, i just felt like writing. I feel like this is a new level of self-assuredness.  This kind of knowing I will be okay, knowing I won’t be swept away if I show my feelings.  More than that: genuinely liking the person I am in a way that I haven’t before.  Maybe this belongs in a separate post, but I think it has everything to do with why the risk of being swept away doesn’t scare me like it used to.  The fear was always of losing myself and the things I’d constructed myself out of, but I realize now that those things can’t be taken away from me and that I shouldn't associate weakness with my feelings.

The sadness is real and it is not made right by optimism or anything else, but I wish I could have experienced it more before I went off to college. I feel on a level even deeper than before and it is scary, but music sounds better here and words are more moving. Still, it is one thing after the next, and having arrived here, I find myself uncertain about what to do next.  I’m impatient. I want to be able to cry and not feel ashamed.

I want to jump off cliffs, (theoretically) but I find my life is more full of rolling hills instead.  I did jump off of one cliff and was reminded that the universe doesn’t always teach you the lesson you want to learn, because nothing happened.  And nothing is the worst.  I would have preferred to crash and burn.

I’m learning to let go, but it is not happening fast enough. I am still afraid to cry in front of people and won’t completely let someone in my life.

I guess it is all a part of growing up. Boo.